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Monday, 2 June 2014

Life, love and loss

This is a hard one to write.

This year I will lose from my life the two people who have unfailingly supported me and given me the small amount of self confidence and self esteem that I have.

One, my grandmother, to liver cancer, the other, my godmother, to motor neurone disease. Both have very little time left and both will leave a massive gaping hole in my life where they once were.

You see, I was a very awkward teenager. No one ever really understood me or understood why I never fitted in.

There was a lot of anger and hurt inside me that I just didn't know how to deal with, and depression was a looming spectre ever since I could remember. But these two ladies saw through that.

They always made me feel special and loved. Always focussed on my good points, instead of putting me down and more importantly they believed in me.

As a result of this I was able to believe in myself. That I could do something good with my life. For this I will be forever grateful.

By the end of this year, I won't have them anymore and while I'm keeping a brave face on for my children, inside I'm devastated.

I know death happens, it's a fact of life, and I know I'm a big girl now, with my own family to look after.

But, as I held my dying gran's hand and watched her drift in and out of consciousness this weekend, I thought, how on earth am I going to be able to explain it to my three year old, when I'm struggling to come to terms with it myself?

So I sat him down and talked to him about the flowers in the garden and how they will all get tired and eventually die.

I explained that this was the same for people. I told him great gran was very poorly and just like the flowers she would soon die too, but that we'd always remember her and love her.

I think he understood; hopefully more than I do. It's so black and white for children.

I made the decision not to take him to see her because I wanted him to remember her how she was, not the ravaged figure that cancer has left behind.

I haven't been able to cry about it yet, but it's always there hiding behind my brave face. Hopefully I'll get a chance to let it out soon, maybe when my boys aren't around to see it.

Life is cruel and cold. Make the most of every moment and be kind to each other, because you never know when it's going to be taken away.

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