I really want to talk to my Gran today, desperately. So much it hurts.
I need my Gran today because only she could offer the words of comfort and reassurance that I so desperately need.
But, despite the fact that I could talk to her in person, it wouldn't be her there anymore.
You see, she's dying very slowly of cancer. And little by little this vile scourge is eating painfully away at every part of her and the Gran I once knew is no longer there.
Now in its final stages, this cruel and wicked disease has finally moved onto her brain. She doesn't really know who we are anymore and drifts in and out of consciousness with an air of quiet inevitability and acceptance of what is to come.
This was a woman who I could talk to about anything. If something or someone hurt me, she would have my back, no matter what.
I love the way she would apply reasoning from her own experiences and expectations, like people still acted and behaved in the way they did sixty years ago.
To start with I felt selfish getting so upset that I couldn't have my Gran there for me anymore. After all, I'm not the one who is dying slowly and painfully, losing every dignity I once held dear.
But then I realised, we all have to go eventually, one way or another. My Gran is 94 years old and has had a long and happy life.
She truly believes it won't be long before she meets my Grandpa and her parents again and I think that's beautiful.
When it happens though, a piece of me will be missing forever. A comfort and support that I won't ever get again. Call me selfish, but that's what hurts the most.